HOW TO HANDLE ANGER - PART 1 : SELF

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Arguments are common, and are part of our daily lives. It's OK if it's a constructive argument,
but the problem arises when it develops into a heated argument, of worse, turns into a quarrel !!

How do we know that we are losing control over ourselves?

- Tension in the head
- Tension in the chest area
- Tension in facial muscles
- Increased rate of breath
- Increased rate of blood pressure
- Increased volume of voice
- Gritted teeth and/or clenched fists

 

If we have most or ALL of the above symptoms, then YOU ARE LOSING CONTROL !!

So, how do we handle it ? there are a few ways :

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- Calm down : Control your breathing - Take long, deep breaths
- Evaluate : Are you now speaking/acting with logic & reason, or with your emotions ?
- Analyze : It what you said or will be saying going to help solve the problem ? If not, keep quiet !!
- Evaluate : Is the topic that you are arguing about worth it ? Is it worth ruining a wonderful relationship over such matters ? 

 

You would be creating hostility between the other party and yourself, and the atmosphere would be terrible the next time you two meet up.
If it is just a trival matter, just break it up ! It's not worth it !! And you may have intentionally or unintentionally created unwholesome kamma via speech or action !!
 

HOW TO HANDLE ANGER - PART 2 : ARGUMENTS / QUARRELS

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1) Maintaining silence

Maintaining silence is one of the ways the Buddha used. If the person is beyond reason, or the capability to fully understand the situation, there's no point going into further details.

The person may get heated up and thus unable to understand, or worse, misunderstand your intentions !!
A 'cooling-down period' would be good for both parties, but remember to make up afterwards !!

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2) Walking away from the argument

By walking away, it is a stalemate. You may not have won the argument, but you have conquered your pride. 
But if you stayed on with the quarrel, you may win the quarrel, but you'll also win the other party's displeasure and aversion towards you.

Or you may lose. And you'll definately lose more !!

THINK : Is the topic that you are arguing about worth it ? Is it worth ruining a wonderful relationship over such matters ? 
You would be creating hostility between the other party and yourself, and the atmosphere would be terrible the next time you two meet up. 
And you may have intentionally or unintentionally created unwholesome kamma via speech or action !!

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3) Get a referee !!
This is IMPORTANT : Get someone with WISDOM !! Not someone who gives useless comments, or worsen the atmosphere !! 
When the (wise) person gives his 'verdict', both parties must accept it in good faith. 
Of course, if you disagree, you should voice it out to the referee, and he shall re-evaluate his verdict.

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BE MINDFUL OF ANGER

1) Recognize the state of anger --- see it.

2) Recognize its causes --- attachment, aversion, delusion.

3) Recognize what is the opposite of anger --- peace & calm.

4) Recognize the remedy to anger --- loving-kindness.
 

Use this method well, and you can neutralize anger the moment it arises in your mind.

Imagine yourself holding onto a piece of burning charcoal, waiting to throw it at your object of anger. Anger is just like that piece of burning charcoal. 
Regardless of whether you are able to hit the object of anger or not, you yourself will get burnt in the process.
So, is it wise to get angry ? You decide.

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Remember : Anger is a temporary state of mental derangement ... The real enemy is within.

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